untitled advice column #1
friendship troubles and thoughts on content warnings, plus an astrology list!
hello! this is the first edition of my advice column. thank you all for sending in questions, and please continue to send in more! you can submit them in this google form anonymously! and if you liked reading this and haven’t subscribed already, please do subscribe and keep reading! :)
friendship and mental illness
I am struggling! I have a friend whom I enjoy talking to but a lot of the time it feels they are in a silent competition of who can be more mentally Ill and it is very dreadful. I don’t know if a cynical part of my brain is making this up or if I just need more open communication. They aren’t a burden but I don’t want to get burnt out in the friendship. On top of this they are more privileged than me and so trying to explain some things is something I haven’t tried (ex. Why I haven’t had a therapist a few weeks ago. And simply opening up about growing up poor?) idk I am just generally confused. They’re an online friend so it’s not that i have to see them around. But I don’t want to be shitty and just disappear. I do value our friendship a lot as we share interests but i also can’t help but feel I may be ruining this for myself? Idk I really don’t I’m sorry haha! If you’ve struggled with something similar please share. Thanks for this column btw I hope it is satisfying, luv ur work !
- starbaby
hi starbaby, first i want to acknowledge that this is a tough situation! i’ve definitely found myself in similar situations before, but with in-person friendships.
in my personal experience, friendships like this can lead to some feelings of burnout or exhaustion. and it’s tough to be in a spot where you want to support your friends while communication is complicated.
when i feel like a friendship or conversation online is weighing on me, i remind myself that it’s okay to delay my responses, i can always write back later. the other person doesn’t know what you’re up to, if you’re busy or taking a nap or just really tired. sometimes i’ll leave messages for a day even, especially if i want to make sure i have the energy to take care of myself. i know some people take fewer replies personally, and if that’s the case, tread lightly with this advice. but it can helpful to set your own boundaries of when you’re replying and how much energy you have to give to a conversation.
it’s tough to be in a spot where you want to support your friends while communication is complicated.
also, ask yourself if you think this person is trying to one-up others on the topic of mental illness, or if they communicate empathy through sharing their own experiences! i’ve accidentally come across as self-centred or one-upping when i’m trying to show empathy for another’s situation, so understanding how this person communicates empathy is important here! my understanding is it’s common for neurodivergent people to communicate empathy in this way, so if this person is neurodivergent, keep this in mind.
on the privilege side of this question, i think it can be really hard for more privileged people to understand the experiences of less privileged people, even if they claim to have empathy there (full disclosure, i grew up upper-middle class in a working class neighbourhood and had instances growing up where i didn’t fully understand what my less privileged friends were going through.) opening up about your experiences of growing up poor or not being able to afford weekly therapy could, on one hand, help them better understand you as a person and gain some empathy for your own situation. on the other hand, some people can just lack a sense of understanding for things they haven’t experienced, and there’s a chance they could misunderstand your explaining as complaining. you aren’t in the wrong to want to share your experiences, since you have every right to explain your lived experiences, they are your experiences! but economically privileged people often miss that.
i think it can be really hard for more privileged people to understand the experiences of less privileged people
based on how they empathize with other less privileged people’s experiences, you can figure out how they might respond to you. do they show empathy for people going through tough times? do they say dismissive things about unhoused people or stereotype them as lazy? do they believe in social causes that seek to make society more equitable? knowing the answers to these questions can help you gauge how they’d react to your own experiences, but aren’t a guarantee.
so needless to say, this is a toughie! i think you should definitely continue being friends with this person if they bring joy and love into your life! openness and communication are important but work on a friendship-by-friendship basis, there is no one-size-fits-all way to communicate your feelings and understand each other better. i guess i don’t have any great, definitive answers here, but i hope my thoughts can help you assess the situation and decide how to move forward.
thoughts on content warnings
the internet in the 21st century has been a rough, hostile place. we've seen that spaces attempting to allow users to put their guards down -- like certain tumblr tags, tiktok niches, or other subcommunities -- will often get raided by malicious actors like 4chan, seemingly to prove there's no reprieve from online violence but still, efforts by users to make the internet less hostile abound. Here's a few questions focusing in on one particular effort: content warnings. Do you think practices like written content warnings on a Tweet are helpful? Should they become more widespread? If an individual does not CW their content because they feel that that would undercut what they're trying to get across, is that still malicious, or is that one's right as an individual on the internet? Is that responsibility shared? Similarly, should someone have to CW their own experiences (i.e. someone with unprotected tweets writing about their personal experience with an eating disorder)? lots of love!
- the CW
hi the CW, thank you for this question! i actually think about this a lot and it’s great to consider the ways we post online and what warrants warnings and whether they’re genuinely helpful. i spent 2010-2016 on tumblr religiously, so i lived through a lot of that 4chan raid era and a bigger popularization of content warnings and trigger warnings on posts. i also remember the characterization of content warnings or trigger warnings as shielding people from “reality” where you don’t get content warnings, which was a super weird thing to say when content warnings have existed in media for a long-ass time and people do often warn each other if they’re about to talk about something graphic or disturbing.
i want to first emphasize that when i talk about content warnings, i’m talking putting warnings on posts that could trigger PSTD or other anxiety or trauma-related symptoms, not just regular discomfort. there’s been instances where people put a content warning for things like bugs or dogs or things of that ilk, which i think sometimes is people intentionally making a mockery of content warnings, or genuinely taking it too far. it kind of takes away from the seriousness of content warnings for topics that can genuinely resurface trauma.
content warnings should be used in pretty much any instance where a person is talking about something objectively disturbing.
i think the intent of content warnings is inherently good. it’s respectful and kind to warn people about difficult topics that could be potentially triggering. it’s helped me avoid triggering posts online many times and i’m grateful for people who use them. i think they should be used in pretty much any instance where a person is talking about something objectively disturbing.
with regards to people not using them because they could undercut what they’re trying to get across, i don’t really see that a a valid argument. i think it takes a second to write one and it’s disrespectful to your audience to not warn them before posting something that could cause significant distress. it never undercuts a message, it further emphasizes the impact of the topic you’re talking about to acknowledge it outright as being disturbing or potentially triggering. ultimately it’s your right as a person to include or exclude a content warning, but it’s worth keeping in mind how you might be negatively impacting your audience by not considering the toll that post can take.
content warnings take a second to write and don’t take away from the topic at hand.
and on personal experiences, i think most people who have lived through traumatic experiences who want to share it online would inherently understand the value of using content warnings on posts. as i mentioned before, it takes a second to write and doesn’t take away from the topic at hand. it’s the kind and empathetic thing to do — if you’ve experienced trauma yourself, you would understand how it feels to have that trauma resurface. i think a lot of people already do this and it’s the right thing to do!
one last thought i have is that people sometimes think adding a content warning makes a post clunky or messy or it decreases readership. au contraire, when i see a content warning i tend to read the post, even if it could potentially trigger me. humans are inherently curious! it’s just an up-front warning about what’s to come. i like to know what i’m getting into.
thank you all for reading my first advice newsletter! i hope you enjoyed it, and once again, please send me more questions! you can send them anonymously in this google form. and now, because i want to, here’s an astrology list.
the signs as my tweet drafts
aries - i’m johnny knoxville
taurus - my review: the mcdonalds spicy nuggets are ok but the buffalo sauce is even better
gemini - fucking mad at myslf because i said "overton window" yesterday when having a regular-ass conversation w my boyfriend
cancer - kinda fucked up that i have to "take care of myself" and "feel comfortable" in order to fall asleep
leo - what is it about the smell of morning air that makes me love living?
virgo - hamzah literally just defeated ganon in botw and said "ganon is just a distraction. this is korok seed simulator"
libra - every once in a while i'm like, why do insane people like gwyneth paltrow seem so happy and healthy. and i consider buying raw goat milk and various mushroom powders
scorpio - i can’t believe people
sagittarius - if someone told me they were a “youtuber” i would probably ask them if i could go on their channel
capricorn - the thing dark academia tiktok kids dont understand is that there is a limit to how much you can read about "the sublime" in romantic literature until you want to scream
aquarius - how is it possible that
pisces - i made a large iced latte for myself at 10 p.m. so naturally i will be spending my night staring at the ceiling