the subtle art of giving too much of a fuck
i can't not care. i can't stop caring, truthfully.
content warning: some mentions of body image and disordered eating
my thoughts this week are a little rambly, but related to a sentiment i’ve seen a lot online and throughout my life in general. i’ve been mulling over this a lot lately, and maybe my thoughts make more sense in my head, but i think getting them out here might help me process them, or others process them, whatever. if you want the real good stuff just skip to the horoscopes at the end.
a phenomenon i’ve never understood is “not caring.” not giving a fuck what people think of you, striving to be “an individual,” not worrying about being an outcast.
i think it’s an ideal a lot of people strive to embody, and people often put this “i don’t give a shit” mask on to feign it. everything from just letting judgement fall off you like mud on a lotus to encouraging other people to stop caring about what others think and just “be yourself.”
i’ve been told to do this my whole life. i’m a big worrier, i always felt like i didn’t truly belong anywhere and that everyone secretly hated me. and this advice is given a lot online, where hate isn’t hard to come by and everyone is judging each other all the time.
but i think it’s genuinely impossible to not care about everything others think or say. i, personally, feel a ton of pressure to conform to beauty standards like staying thin and eating restrictively or dressing “appropriately” for different situations, even though i have my moments of non-comformity and often get deemed “unconventionally attractive” (though often for reasons completely out of my control!) i think ultimately i haven’t achieved this sought-after mindset of “body neutrality” for this reason: i can’t help but feel the need to conform. it’s not possible for me to feel neutral about my body, even though it’s just the vessel that moves me. my feelings about it are still dictated by the rest of society because i live in said society (i’m sorry there was no better way of saying “we live in a society.”)
and i think it’s hard to not let norms get to you. you can react differently on the outside, appear stoic, say you don’t care, but on the inside, negative comments probably hurt. they inherently make you question your belonging in a social circle. subcultures and niche communities often help remedy this issue, but i don’t think you can tell me you haven’t ever wanted to belong in a larger sense, and wanted to feel like a part of a larger community or society. even in areas where i have nothing in common with the majority of people, i still feel the need to belong, be it for a sense of safety and security, a sense of ease, or a need for friendship and understanding.
so i think the idea of not giving a fuck is bullshit. if you have truly gotten to a place where you don’t give a shit what a single person thinks of you, let me know, because that’s wild to me.
as nice as it would be to not care what others think, i think it’s important to remember that it’s (likely) not possible. others aren’t “stronger” than you because you perceive them as not caring. even if it would be ideally better to not care in some cases, i simply think it’s not realistic.
additionally, sometimes when you’re forcing the “not caring” thing, you ignore things you should genuinely care about. valid criticism of your actions shouldn’t go unlistened to, and caring for your community and loved ones is always important. my therapist always reminds me that western society is so hyperfocused on the individual that we miss out on support systems and growth facilitated by community. finding community isn’t always as easy as relying on family or your immediate surroundings, but caring what some people think does matter for the greater good of humanity.
crush of the week
all my new subscribers?? who came out of seemingly nowhere? it says you all came from the substack network. my theory is that you all came from internet princess and saw that rayne is subscribed to my substack. so hi, thank you for subscribing!
track of the week
okay okay okay okay okay. i am super late to fetch the bolt cutters. but i loved this when i gave it my first listen-through a few weeks ago. it still goes through my head every day. it’s such a good song. go listen to it 50 times in a row.
the signs as answers to “what’s your major?”
aries - i’m in marketing
taurus - art history but i haven’t gone to class in 3 weeks
gemini - well at first it was political science but everyone kept telling me to shut up so i went into communications
cancer - nursing, i just want to take care of everyone
leo - theatre, can’t you tell
virgo - english literature. please leave me alone
libra - okay well at first i was in psychology then i hated it to i switched to art but realized i just liked looking at it so i switched to art history but i couldn’t stop only looking at the art so i tried creative writing but couldn’t figure out what words to cut from my poems so i’m undecided i think i’ll just drop out honestly
scorpio - film. my favourite movie is a snuff film i saw on liveleak
sagittarius - anthropology, honestly i just want to travel
capricorn - law
aquarius - cryptozoology. have you ever seen mothman. i have
pisces - [between sobs] creative writing
hi! i am a new subscriber and your theory is correct, i did come from rayne