summertime sadness (i have seasonal depression but for the summer)

sorry for not writing one of these since may!

things have been feeling deeply off, to say the least.

every day there’s a 50% chance that when i look up from my screen to look at the wall or an object or a scene in front of me that it’s going to look uncanny, distant, fuzzy, detached from me. i get up and my blood pressure drops as my heart rate spikes and goes back down. the anxiety hits harder than the baseline anxiety and i have to lay down for a while to make it go away.

the summer heat makes this about ten times worse. the portable air conditioner i bought last year sits in my closet because i haven’t figured out how to fit it in a casement window (the kind of window that swings out). i look at the 14-day forecast and worry about how i’m going to make it through a 24-feels-like-30-degree day (closing the blinds, opening the windows and running a fan is the secret, really).

and now, for some god damn reason i’m having daily close-calls with panic attacks, thankfully after many years i’ve learned how to curb them, mostly. so naturally it makes sense that my brain is so fried i can’t think or do anything beyond what i need to do to survive!

all of this is making me very sad! i cry a lot and feel alone and scared so often!

so instead of discussing internet shit, i’m going to talk about what i’ve been doing to distract myself from the bad stuff.

i am watching new girl for the first time

if you take one look at me, or know anything about me, you would be surprised to hear i did not watch new girl before about a month ago. yes, zooey deschanel was my style icon through the 2010s and i did cut my own bangs for years because of her. but it was because of 500 DAYS OF SUMMER (2009).

so now i’m watching it for the first time, i’m about half way through season 2, and it’s exactly how i expected it to be. so i kinda love it but it’s also obviously incredibly cringey, especially now. but i’m a sucker for zooey! what can i say!

i am also watching gilmore girls for the first time

again, nobody would’ve guessed i had never watched gilmore girls! my partner watched it growing up and knew i’d love it. and i do. oh my god i love it. every time i see luke i start screaming. i go “wooOOOooooOO!!!” like a live studio audience any time something steamy happens (my partner has joined me in doing this). it’s so lovely. i always felt really close with my mom and would tell her everything, so i can relate to rory in a lot of ways that i didn’t expect. it’s very interesting!

i started eating a lot more vegetables

embarrassing semi-secret alert: i’ve always been a picky eater. it’s textures that get me. so a lot of vegetables always gave me the ick because of textural issues. but i realized that when i am given a vegetable, i can prepare it in any way i like. it doesn’t have to be steamed and flavourless, it doesn’t have to be overcooked. i can roast things in whatever spices i want, i can see what i can fit into a ragu or a stew or a curry. it’s time to have creative freedom over my food and do fun shit. i will cover my broccolini in in olive oil infused with anchovies and garlic and chili flakes. i will put bell peppers in so many things i end up loving them. i will caramelize onions to elevate anything i eat them with. and as a result, i feel a lot better! not just my physical health, but realizing that my options are endless when i’m in full control and know what i’m doing in the kitchen.

i started trying to be more social

i’m so bad at messaging my friends and i will leave my tiktok DMs piling up until the notification number gives my anxiety. i’m terrible at answering people but i have read receipts on for everything because i’m honest like that! so i don’t even open my messages!

but i’m trying a lot harder to answer people and to reach out in the first place. trying to befriend new people too. it sucks that i can’t go to parties or shows or bars or whatever still because of my covid risk, but i’m trying to make it work while not going fucking insane!

when it all feels endlessly hopeless, i find things to look forward to to keep going forward

if a new sims pack is coming out, i have to stick around to see what it’s like. if someone i like announces they’re writing a book, i have to be able to read it. if i have a package coming, i have to be able to receive it! little things keep me going when everything feels hopeless. it’s hard to feel tethered to reality when there’s nothing going on. if there’s nothing going on, i make something happen. it’s hard a lot of the time but it works like a charm.

track of the week

hah! you thought i was going to pick a lana del rey song, didn’t you? well sadly, i’ve never really gotten into her music, even though i was on tumblr for the peak lana era.

i get this song stuck in my head a lot, and i’ve listened to it about 20 times this week. it’s so sad and hurts my heart to listen to but it’s so good. i hadn’t listened to death cab for cutie in a long time until i met a new friend who really likes them. i only really listened to transatlanticism before but i still love the album to this day. this song and expo 86 are great. and obviously transatlanticism.

“i wish the earth was flat like the old days / then i could travel just by folding the map / no more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways / there’d be no distance that could hold us back”

that verse perfectly reflects pain and yearning i felt for years being in a long distance relationship. even though we live together now, the memories of how i felt hurt so much.

and i feel that pain with my friends who i haven’t seen in so long. maybe they live further now, or we can’t coordinate, or i keep flaking, or i just never reach out.

the signs as birds (based on my own impression of them)

aries - hummingbird

taurus - great blue heron

gemini - grey parrot

cancer - osprey

leo - peacock

virgo - snowy owl

libra - dove

scorpio - turkey vulture

sagittarius - albatross

capricorn - raven

aquarius - steller’s jay

pisces - galapagos penguin