okay i was wrong. NOW we are so back
it's may already... oops. happy taurus season!
the subject line for my last newsletter was “we are so back” and i couldn’t have been more wrong. april was probably one of the worst months of my life and i couldn’t write this newsletter for the life of me. work picked up (hooray), personal relationship problems abound (boooooo), the weather has been nice so i’ve been trying to get outside a lot when i have free time (hooray), i keep waking up at 7am no matter how late i sleep (booooo), so anyway i’ve had zero energy for anything but the essentials.
to get into why things have been so bad and draining lately would be revealing way too much about my personal life, but i’ll be getting into some of that in some paid posts soon. not divulging too much, but just talking about the ways i’ve been thinking about my own conception of self, what it means to be your own person, autonomy, personal space, the importance of being alone, maybe a bit about grief if i’m able to process any of it, and whatever else comes to mind. the last 3 months have felt like a full year at least. i’ve grown and changed a lot as a person, in some very good ways and some deeply negative, maladaptive ways.
anyway, here are some things that are on my mind as of late:
i need to start scheduling my activities now that i’m busy again because i will not get anything done if i don’t schedule it
i need to be better at replying to my friends and not leaving texts for a full week before responding
i want to start running, which i think will wear off once i start trying. i usually fucking hate running but i saw someone running today and they looked like they were having a great time and it made me feel jealous
i’m at the age where i should probably start caring more about the things i put into my body. so maybe i’ll do that
i looooove hockey again. i didn’t watch it for years but we’re so fucking back now
do they make protein powder that isn’t full of artificial sweeteners? all of them seem to have ace K and sucralose and both of those taste nasty. not a fan of stevia either. do they make ones with just normal sugar? or just any that don’t taste like shit? why are fitness people so obsessed with avoiding sugar and replacing it with synthetic sweeteners that make me feel like they’re killing my gut microbiota?
i got high for the first time in a very long time recently which was nice. i got a dry flower vape a few years ago and finally got around to using it. definitely doesn’t trigger my asthma as much as smoking does and i slept like a log. good stuff
i should probably stop seeking validation externally but i’m kind of addicted to it. i don’t know how to make myself feel good about myself. all of it is really reliant on other people. which makes sense because all humans need external validation to an extent, we’re social animals. but the amount i’m relying on it feels unhealthy. much to think about…
that covers a lot of it. anyway. here’s an astrology list!
the signs as breakfasts i’ve had in the past month
aries - hot americano turned cold (made it and forgot about it for an hour)
taurus - pancakes
gemini - 1/3 of a bottle of a core power protein shake
cancer - avgolemono
leo - salted caramel crackle cookie from JJ bean
virgo - eggs and toast
libra - iced latte
scorpio - iced americano
sagittarius - trix
capricorn - canned tuna and boiled egg on rice
aquarius - nothing (forgot)
pisces - chocolate chip blondie from kafka’s