oh, great, an earnest newsletter
thoughts on loneliness amid ever-moving goalposts
in january and february 2020, i was having the time of my life. i think a lot of us were.
i rang in the new year in my friend’s attic, drunk on cheap prosecco with new friends and older ones, trying not to fall down the staircase with no railing. my boyfriend and i stumbled all the way from that east van attic to the 24 hour a&w on broadway and back to our new apartment for our first night there.
then, that same month, i attended a student journalism conference where i got to meet journalist friends i had only known through twitter, and we got to learn, network, have parties, run around downtown and make the most of our time together. i left that feeling a renewed sense of belonging in the world, feeling hopeful about my future and having a new-found confidence.
and in february, i was enjoying shaping that future by trying to write more, plan my next year as a potential editor and trying to socialize more while i was at it. i had my 23rd birthday and danced til midnight. i was finally living my 20s like i wanted.
when the pandemic hit, i would cry day and night, terrified of dying, and my friends and family dying. we were all together in our loneliness, though some suffering worse than others, living alone or living with people they hate.
as the pandemic dragged on, people had their social bubbles. my boyfriend and i opted to stay on the safer side and just stick with each other, knowing i’m at high risk for covid and not knowing the long-term risks that covid could have on the general population. it was lonely, but we tried to see friends outside and visit family in their backyards at a distance.
but it just kept going. it keeps going now.
the province lifted its mask mandate on july 1, 2021, and that felt like a turning point. everything felt extra grim from there.
BC, like many other jurisdictions in north america, kept up the façade of managing the pandemic with public policy for a very short time. personal responsibility messaging was rampant very early on: don’t go to parties, don’t go out when you have covid, don’t wear a mask because you’re taking up health care workers' supplies, or actually it’s because you’re too stupid to wear one properly so just don’t do it, or maybe you can make a 2-layer cloth mask at home with an old t-shirt that may or may not have a tight weave, actually you have to wear them now but it’s fine if you wear a flimsy neck gaiter or bandana, okay now you have to wear a blue surgical mask that leaks around the top and sides when you enter any healthcare facility. no n95s for you, though.
and this lack of public policy, with an emphasis on personal responsibility, is often touted as a way of saving our mental health and economy. but how is that supposed to save us when it puts so many in danger?
the more the province insists it’s okay to hang out with groups of people without contact tracing or testing, it gets harder to navigate social situations and safety. how do i know exactly who my friends are seeing? how do i know they’re wearing good quality masks when they go grocery shopping? how do i know they’re around people with similar ideas of what safety means? we’re all left to handle this on our own, and often it’s easier to withdraw entirely from in-person social situations than take that risk.
that’s what i’ve been doing, and it fucking sucks.
since march 2020, i have not been in the same room as a friend or family member without a mask. i have not hugged a friend, come within a 2 metres of someone for longer than a fleeting moment, or gone to a party. all i’ve had is my boyfriend, all he’s had is me. i have missed out on countless social events and shows and things that would’ve genuinely made me feel happy. i have not eaten inside a restaurant, haven’t sat in a cafe for a coffee, i have not had my hair done or gotten a tattoo. all because “safety” now boils down to personal responsibility rather than actual guidance. because the government won’t bother with lockdowns or circuit breakers or adequate testing and tracing.
so now i’m left with this deep, painful, burning loneliness that can’t just be cured with another distanced park hang or video call. i want real change, i want my life back, i want to not have to balance the risk of more disability with my need for connection.
but instead of being able to do that, i just cry every day about how lonely i am. the belonging i spent years trying to find, the tears in therapy sessions that i had no friends and no future, the places i finally felt able to be myself and flourish and grow, all for nothing.
i don’t know when i’ll get any of it back, because god knows when this pandemic is ever going to end. omicron most certainly isn’t the end of it, we can keep getting our boosters and saying we’re “being safe,” but nobody is safe until we are all safe.
so if mental health is truly important to those in power, why am i so fucking sad?
crush of the week
the crushing pain in my chest when i think about never being able to fall in love with a random person on the bus again.
track of the week
i love love love love love LOVE this song and i really fell in love with it at a vampire weekend concert in 2019. i’ve been revisiting songs that remind me of a better time a lot, especially to distract me from the depression and panic that’s been ruining my whole week.
i have two favourite parts, the first verse and last verse.
It's not right, but it's now or never
And if I wait, could I ever forgive myself?
On a night when the moon glows yellow in the riptide
With the light from the TVs buzzing in the house
Looking out at the ice cold water all around me
I can't feel any traces of that other place
In the dark, when the wind comes racing off the river
There's a car, all black with diplomatic plates
i just love the imagery these two verses bring up when i hear them, and i love the feelings behind them. there’s just so much here i can hardly put it into words. i adore it, i hope you do too.
i also once had a big crush on a diplomat’s son. he moved across the world the day after i last saw him.
the signs as feelings
aries - enlivenment
taurus - relaxation
gemini - restlessness
cancer - heartbreak
leo - confidence
virgo - sympathy
libra - coquettishness
scorpio - fury
sagittarius - wanderlust
capricorn - focus
aquarius - skepticism
pisces - wonder