i'm a perfectionist who is constantly failing

thoughts on this current moment in my life + the signs as "i think you should leave" quotes

“the pedant” by thomas rowlandson

every time i see a new therapist or psychiatrist, one of the first observations they make is that i sound like a perfectionist. it’s a glaringly obvious thing about me as soon as i start to spill my neuroses. but it’s also currently glaringly obvious that i’m not doing a whole lot, and i’m not happy about it. i haven’t found a job since i got laid off in january, whenever i start to write a substack post and i don’t like the direction it’s going i just give up in case it sucks, and for the last few months i’ve been obsessively cleaning my kitchen every day because it feels like one of the few things i can do well and is fully in my control.

for so long i’ve always been told to just accept that sometimes the best thing to do is do the bare minimum, which is so much easier said than done. whenever i try to do the bare minimum of something, i always feel this urge to refine, refine, refine. it’s hard to not do those extra little things like putting away every dish after i just cleaned them. but sometimes the hardest thing to do is just getting to the point of bare minimum, because the idea of doing anything that has the possibility of turning out badly is just too unbearable.

i try to apply to jobs daily, but sometimes just looking at an application is so overwhelming i have to close my laptop and cry. i want to write the perfect cover letter for every position, i want to optimize my resume for every position, i want to write the perfect answer for every question. the worst is the applications that ask you to demonstrate a skill, like writing some example copy. seeing those prompts makes me spiral, because how do i know what they’re exactly looking for? how do i know what i’m writing is good without immediate feedback? what if it sucks so bad the hiring manager shows everyone else at work to laugh at me for what i wrote? these outcomes are unlikely, but i find it impossible to block the thoughts out. i’ve missed out on a lot of job applications because these questions make me cry.

and with this newsletter, i’ve been slacking a bit for the last month. truthfully i’ve written a lot, i just haven’t been happy enough with any of it to send it out. i was writing a post about AI tools and AI doomers, but i felt like such a doofus that doesn’t know anything about AI that it’s just sitting in my drafts. i have 16 other drafts containing ideas that sounded really good at one point but i ended up leaving to rot because i felt like i could never properly say what i wanted to say initially. my notes app is full of ideas that are partially fleshed out that i would never dare to look at now because i’ll feel so much shame for never doing anything about them.

so i’m failing at finding work, i’m failing at keeping up a consistent newsletter schedule, i’m even failing at allowing myself to fail. there may be some areas of my life i have control, but it’s hard to accept that i don’t have control over it all.

so i guess these days i’m feeling a lot more like a girlfailure than anything. but hey, even though this newsletter is late, at least i wrote it.

track of the week

been thinking about this song a lot lately. it’s just really nice. go watch twin peaks if you haven’t. angelo badalamenti forever.

the signs as i think you should leave quotes

aries - “i don't know what is going on, but somewhere our wires got crossed. you're saying we're allowed to swear. i'm saying "big, fat load of cum" and "horse cock" and you're getting mad.”

taurus - “my date's eating all the fully loaded nachos. all the ones with the meat and cheese and everything, the ones that are fully loaded, she's hogging them, so i'm mostly getting just, like, just chips. like mostly just chips, like nothing on 'em, but, like, a little bit of cheese and maybe one little nugget of meat.”

gemini - “hey, everybody! look at me! i'm riding the dog!”

cancer - “no, i don't know how to fucking drive. i don't know what any of this shit is, and i'm fucking scared.”

leo - “they have this one shirt that costs $1,000 'cause the pattern's so wild. i want that one so bad.”

virgo - “well, you parked your car over the sidewalk. where i was walking. so i crawled under your car and my ponytail got stuck. now i got a car stuck in my ponytail and i'm fucked! and i need a little help.”

libra - “i've seen every cock on the planet. i've seen everyone naked.”

scorpio - “i don't even want to be around anymore.”

sagittarius - “it smiled at me. i'm not a piece of shit. i used to be. people can change. people can change.”

capricorn - “the printer. santa should have wrapped it when he gave it early.”

aquarius - “the bones are the skeletons' money. in our world, bones equal dollars. that's why they're coming out tonight to get their bones from you. the skeletons will pull your hair. up, but not out. all they want is another chance at life. they've never seen so much food as this. underground, there's half as much food as this and the worms are their money. the bones are their dollars.”

pisces - “my life is nothing i thought it should be and everything i was worried it would become because for 50 seconds, i thought there was monsters on the world.”