being well-rounded is reading only the first chapter of every book
why could i read the perks of being a wallflower in a day as a teen but i can't read a sentence as an adult?
when my life began its drastic descent into chaos at age 12, i began to seek refuge in worlds built by authors. i was late to harry potter, so i read almost every harry potter book over the course of a two years so i could:
1. stop being told i am late to the game,
2. escape from the hell i was experiencing in life.
i was dealing with a lot of bad feelings over those years, like being in relationships way too young with people who treated me like shit, trying to grow up too fast, tumultuous friendships and exclusion, my ever-worsening anxiety disorder and new-found clinical depression, and experimenting with alcohol and weed with a hormonal adolescent brain.
so naturally, escaping in novels written for people like me was my favourite activity. looking for alaska, 13 reasons why, the perks of being a wallflower, stargirl, and all the ellen hopkins books in the school library. books that i could relate to but maybe had something aspirational in it like romance, or rebellion, or some understanding of what the hell was happening with my emotions, that others were feeling the same. it was a really comfortable world for me at the time and i absorbed those books, even with a crappy attention span to begin with.
but as an adult, i feel like my ability to read a book is gone. why was i able to read with vigour as a kid, but now i’m almost 25, have an english degree, work full time as a writer, and can’t read a fucking book?
honestly, i do blame the internet.
a lot of the time when i try to read a book, i find myself getting distracted by my phone, thinking it vibrated, seeing the screen light up, wanting to check it to see if anyone is texting me or if someone liked one of my tweets. i try to put my phone away, far away, but it doesn’t help at all.
i also feel like the constant stimulation i can achieve on my phone or on my laptop keeps me from finding stimulation in books. in the early 2010s, reblogging shit on tumblr was what i spent most of my time doing online. and sure, that was a lot of stimulation, seeing pictures of pete wentz and fresh memes and 90s nostalgia whenever i wanted. but it’s nothing compared to what i have today, with new tweets entering my feed every millisecond and a constant need to read them and fuel my feelings about whatever’s going on at this moment, like making fun of jon kay for saying something stupid or getting angry about US politics.
i have so many books they don’t fit on my bookshelves. so many books i’ve bought secondhand or borrowed from my dad or bought for classes. and with most of them, i’ve read a chapter at most. maybe two.
and this isn’t because the contents of the books are boring, not at all. i genuinely want to read every book i own, they all caught my eye and all contain stories and information i want to read. everything from dante’s divine comedy to crime and punishment to a clockwork orange, i want to read it all. i want to take inventory of my books and track what i read and how long it takes me. i want to read things i disagree with like 12 rules for life, and things i think are essential like the catcher in the rye, and re-read my favourites like catch-22. but i can’t for the life of me open a book and just read it. my eyes dart around the room, i read the sentences out loud in my head instead of just reading them with my eyes, i re-read sentences 10 times because i didn’t get it the first 9 times.
i’m also on a waitlist for an adhd assessment, if that’s worth anything.
audiobooks in tandem with physical books kinda helps, though. it’s nice to read something while it’s being read to me. but when i do that for long enough it feels like my brain got run over by a semi truck.
maybe if i calm down the constant social media use and just try my hardest to read, i’ll get there. but i do think the internet has shot my attention span worse than before, and it was already kinda bad before.
if you have tips for how to not just uninstall screen time limit extensions when i reach my limit, let me know.
crush of the week
my boyfriend <3 happy almost valentines day <3
track of the week
i found this song while listening to a hyperpop playlist and it made my brain light up. i love the song kyoto already, this remix fucking slaps.
notable mentions:
Raveena’s new album Asha’s Awakening just dropped and it’s so sick. listen to it all the way through start to finish, it’s a concept album based on a story Raveena wrote about a Punjabi space princess named Asha.
another great new release from the same day is Cult of Luna’s The Long Road North. it’s a very cool post-metal album that’s worth listening to if you want to venture into something thick, heavy and intense.
the signs as genres
aries - pop punk
taurus - r&b
gemini - new wave
cancer - shoegaze
leo - riot grrrl
virgo - idm
libra - bedroom pop
scorpio - grunge
sagittarius - bossa nova
capricorn - lo-fi beats to study to
aquarius - hardcore
pisces - hyperpop