am i a girl's girl?

thoughts on friendship, social dynamics, and my social ineptitude

for the sake of the definitions within the conversation of being a “girl’s girl,” i’m going to be referring to women and men primarily, not really including other genders in the scope of this. the conversation mostly pits women and men or women and women against each other, and those who talk about this online rarely, if ever, mention any other genders. and, importantly, when i say “girls” and “women” in this context, i’m including all women, cis and trans. just needed to get this all out of the way before i begin.

a serenade by guglielmo zocchi

i’ve been very interested in the phenomenon of calling oneself a “girl’s girl,” and relatedly, the accusations of some women not being “girl’s girls.” it kind of feels like this term popped out of thin air, i hadn’t heard it until this past year, but it seems to be something many just understand as soon as they hear the term.

something i realized is that if you reduced me to some checkbox answers, you might assume that i’m a “pick me” or otherwise someone who isn’t a girl’s girl. most of my friends are men, and i haven’t had a ton of close friends who are women throughout my life. and it’s not that i favour mens’ attention over womens’, or that i think women are too dramatic or something to be friends with, or any other misogynistic beliefs like that. i’ve always struggled to make friends, mostly because i’m shy and when i was a kid i was a bit weird. i don’t really know why most of my friends are men, but things in my life have turned out to just be this way.

i’ve always wanted more friendships with women, but for some reason it’s never panned out. now, looking at myself in this view of whether i’m a girl’s girl or not, i wonder if people’s perception of whether i am or not has impacted their willingness to be close to me. is this a cycle i’m stuck in, where i’m friends with lots of men, i try to befriend women, they see i’m friends with mostly men, they assume i’m probably not a girl’s girl, and distance themselves from me, leaving me with mostly guy friends?

it’s important to lay down the foundation of what a girl’s girl is in the first place. put very simply, a girl’s girl is someone who places personal relationships with women over those with men, someone who doesn’t see other women as competition inherently, and someone who abides by certain moral codes such as not sleeping with your friend’s ex, not tearing other women down for your own advantage, etc. people on the internet are always contributing their own additional ideas to this concept, but this is it boiled down to its essentials. it’s about being kind to other women, and not falling into the trap of competition with one another, which is something we’re often taught to do.

but following this definition, i have some questions. how do you become a girl’s girl if you are relatively socially inept? what if the girls around you aren’t girl’s girls and have no interest in being your friend? that was certainly a reality for me at certain times in my life, though it thankfully isn’t now. what if i can’t find other girls who have enough in common with me to talk about things? what if they’re also bad at socializing and making friends and we can only manage to clumsily talk and never end up making plans to hang out?

in this way, sometimes it feels like being a girl’s girl is for the girl who has strong social skills, or one who is pretty or at least visibly interesting enough for others to want to get to know her. don’t get me wrong, i can be very charismatic, but you do have to find me when i’ve had a drink or if i’m surrounded by friends i’m already comfortable with to really see it. i don’t know if having successful close friendships with other girls is a privilege only afforded to those who are lucky enough to be socially gifted and extroverted, but it certainly feels that way at times.

i’ve only had a handful of very close friends who are girls throughout my life, and those friendships were so special to me (you know who you are). i rarely have ever felt like i was someone’s best friend, but almost all of the times i knew i was someone’s best friend was with other girls. i do think i have a tendency to self-sabotage, convince myself that my best friends hate being around me, and so i never reach out first, never ask to hang out, and since the onus lies on them to start most conversations, they eventually just stop trying. i really don’t like this thing about myself, and it’s probably a big reason why i have so many people i consider friends but rarely feel like i have a best friend. i might even internally feel like someone is my best friend, but when i think about their social life, i realize i’m definitely not #1 for them, probably not even top 5. it’s agonizing to dissect my social life like this, with rankings and hierarchies and constant doubt, but i can’t really escape this line of thinking. i try to make rational a very natural and irrational thing.

ultimately i think i am to blame for a lot of my social deficiencies, but it can be so hard to grasp what anything means, and it can be terrifying to work against my inner fears. i’m lonely a lot because of this, and i wish i weren’t, but i just don’t know where to start. i long for closer relationships with women, but i’m my own worst enemy here.