a stream of consciousness on my fear of death

tied together by a noah baumbach movie

content warning: i talk a lot about death in this one, and a bit about depression, suicidal thoughts, and intrusive thoughts. also some small spoilers for white noise (2022).

posters for white noise (2022)

this week i watched the movie white noise, which i’d been meaning to watch since it came out. i haven’t read the novel, so i was going into it with no context, other who made it and who is in it.

i was struck by the theme of fear of death that the story revolves around, and it made me reflect on my own fear of death. if i could take a pill that might make me fear death less, would i? if i experienced a life-altering event that made me confront my mortality head-on, would it cause me to have a crisis?

oh, wait, both of those situations sound familiar.

two summers ago i tried out escitalopram (lexapro). i felt an effect pretty immediately, but not for the better. for the first five hours after taking it, i felt dizzy, nauseous, anxious, and weak, but later in the day i felt happy and light, almost like i was floating when i walked. i felt good at night, i was at peace. then i would wake up and take the medication again and feel terrible until later when the happiness set in.